Postpartum depression changed my life for the better
At around five months postpartum, I returned to work. The transition was challenging as any new parent can attest to. Making time to pump, be a high performer, and all the added steps to get out the door in the mornings were a lot to adjust to. At about six months, my period returned and coincidentally I had my first significant emotional breakdown at work. I had facilitated a meeting, and it went poorly. I was very frustrated and felt so unnerved, and I started to cry. Like big ugly cry. This type of breakdown would happen again and again for the next three months.
My home life was fine; my baby slept, I was meditating every day, eating ok. My husband is a saint and was taking on a lot of housework while I focused on the baby. Yet, daily things seemed so hard to do. Leaving the house in the morning, folding the laundry, or making a meal felt like impossible tasks. We benefited from the privilege of our income. I used a meal delivery service, and that helped, but still, life seemed like a huge mountain that I was not equipped to climb. I just wanted to sit and not move and numb out my feelings and my life.
Things continued to spiral downward. A friend held a housewarming party with many of our closest friends. I felt so distant from them. Four of us had children around the same time and were very close through our pregnancies and early days of motherhood. I had the support system, I had a text thread of support at my fingertips, and yet they seemed so so far away. When my husband and I returned to the car to drive home, I immediately started crying to my husband that I was alone. He couldn't understand, we had just been in a house full of our friends. Everyone in my life felt so far away from me. Things progressively get worse, I isolated more, I was still crying at work, and one day while walking home from work and the thought to get hit by a car feels like my way out.
At this point, I know I don't want to die, but I know I need a break or a change. The desire to be injured to the point of not having to be an employee, a mother, a wife, a friend, is strong. I had to admit to myself that I was not ok. That my symptoms were no longer rationalized to early motherhood, being a bad fit for my job, or whatever excuse I would make. When I got home that night I told my husband immediately. I wanted to know, did he ever feel this way, is this normal? He responded that it wasn't normal and I needed to get help.
Around nine months of age, I take my son to the doctor for a check-up, and at the end of the appointment I remember being on the verge of tears and I look at the doctor and say "I lied on the questionnaire." He looked back at me perplexed, and I blurt out, "I think I have postpartum depression." He was polite and held some space but then routinely told me that I needed to speak with my OBGYN. My OB was fantastic and responded very quickly. She prescribed medication immediately and things start to lift. I ask whether this is something I've always had because it seemed too late to be "postpartum" depression. She recommends that I see a therapist, and I eventually start seeing one after being on medication for six months.
Thankfully for me, the medication works very well, but I knew that seeing a therapist would help even more. I'd been to therapy in the past, so I had a sense of the drill. I specifically sought out someone that worked with postpartum women and PTSD. I worked with a new to me modality called EMDR. EMDR helps in healing old negative thought patterns. When I first started, I thought I needed a therapy "tune-up." Something to help with this new adjustment (motherhood) in my life. Nine months later, I've wrapped up my services for now. I’ve grown so much in the time from when I started therapy to now. I think the help of the medication and the support I received from the therapist; it's like I've shed a skin. I've stepped into a new identity of myself. Through this work, I was able to recover my innate worthiness. With this gift, I've been able to address debt I'd been carrying for years. I grew closer in my relationships with family and friends, and I've stopped regularly drinking as a way to escape from negative emotions. I have a resiliency that I never knew existed before. I continue to seek out information that helps me adjust and support my mindset to reach my goals.
As I look back, I think I've had bouts of depression throughout my life. I can remember particular scenarios of wanting something similar to what I mentioned above. But having a child made me realize that I need to take care of myself to take care of him. It was a turning point for me in that I am worthy of care, attention, and support. It makes me sad in some aspects because I question what I would I have been able to do in the past that I was too scared or too fragile to take the risk. I'm just now trying to rumble with that story of how big can life be? How much can I experience in this world? My mindset is something that I can manage and tweak and use to my advantage to grow. I see myself as someone who can be present for your story and help you cultivate and connect to the future you want. I see this as a new chapter for me, and I hope you can trust me to accompany you on your journey as well.
